Every day pestering people like you come up to me begging, "Oh, please, Captain Karnage," and by the way, roll the R next time! *ahem* You say, "Please, Captain Karnage, tell me how to get a date! I am lonely! I am miserable!" Well, if you would all take a look at your mirror-cracking mugs, you would not be surprised! However, being the great, generous-type Pirate I happen to be, I am supposing that I could spare some advice. After all, I am practically flowing over with the charm, you know?

Now, I start with the men first. I know what you are thinking. "I am ugly as a toad! No lady in her right mind would ever go out with me!" And I would say, you are not as estupid as you look. But maybe there is hope for you yet, yes-no? Well, perhaps not... but we shall see, si?. The first thing you must remember is that when you are with a girl, she is always, always, always thinking about me. And if she says she is not, she is lying! So, if you want to get her attention, you must be like me! Yes, it is impossible, but you must try. You must dress better! Get out of those repugnant rags you are wearing and try on something more appealing... in your case, a potato sack will do, so do not be picky. Also, if you expect the girl to listen to you, you must stop talking funny and speak like me.

And ladies... Ladies, ladies, ladies... For you, it will be much more difficult, because the first step you must take is to get over me. Now now, do not cry! I know how hard it is... it is something I could never do, but then again, I do not have to, so who is caring? Besides, my darlings, consider this... you have a snowball's chance in the wind of ever having a man as handsome and marvelous as my wonderful self. All you will ever be able to do is look, bend on your knees, and wish your desperate little hearts away! And you know what they say about wishing in your hand... they say... ehm... well, I know they say something about it. Is not important anyway. What is important, and this is my advice to find the man right for you, is to lower your standards!

And when you women finally find the slob of your dreams, and you men finally find someone who is willing to be seen with your repulsive pusses, or you simply realize how hopeless you really are... quit bothering me with your piddely-type problems!

Arrivederci,
Don Karnage